The most important thing I've learned in film school so far

My first semester at Compass College of Cinematic Arts is soon coming to a close. It has been a whirlwind! I've learned far more in this semester than I thought I would. The teachers at Compass waste no time in getting to the meat of their course material, which I love.

I've learned how to use grip gear like c-stands, apple boxes, mafer and cardellini clamps. I've learned what just about every job title in the credits is and what they do. I've learned how to rig lights. I've learned how to budget and schedule a film. I've taken more personality assessments than anyone ever should (and not one of them was useful). I've produced a short film, with all the stress, anxiety, and excitement that involves. I've even learned how to burrito roll a sound blanket.

But there's one thing I've learned this semester that I think is more important that all of that:
I've learned what I am capable of.

Here's the thing about me- and if you know me even a little bit, you are painfully aware of this, I'm sure- self doubt and fear of failure are sewn in to the fabric of my personality. I grapple daily with Major Depressive Disorder. Some days it takes all I have in me to just get out the door. I'm not sure if any of you can relate to having a mind full of ideas and desires and simply being unable to muster the motivation to do any of them. That's been my life. I have a list about two miles long of things I want to do and things I want to make, but when I have had a block of free time I haven't ever been able to make myself do the things I want to do. That might not make any sense to those who haven't experienced it, I know, but it's been my life for years. It's been like running a marathon with an anchor shackled to each leg.

This semester has taught me how to overcome that struggle. I love making movies like I have never loved anything before. Somehow, taking these classes and working on these projects has helped me find some previously unknown wellspring of motivation and drive. I've learned that I can be organized and efficient. I've learned that I can work hard even when I'm feeling down. I've been able to push myself further and accomplish more. I've started to become the producer of my own life.

Am I completely cured? Of course not!! I'm going to struggle with depression my entire life. It will never not be a part of me. But this first semester at film school has shown me that I have more power, more drive, more motivation than I ever thought I did.

Tom Greenberg said something at the beginning of the semester that resonated really strongly with me. He said "You are constantly being evaluated. Treat every day here like it's a job interview." I've never wanted anything in my life as much as I want to make movies. I've never been hungrier to succeed and to prove myself. I'm beginning to see that I can.